Birthdays, dresses, and thoughts, oh my!

Elio turns 3

Princess Party!

We recently returned from the BEST trip to Disney World. As my sister said, Elio (my son) responded so much to Disney that it changed his DNA. Not really, of course, but he is obsessed with anything *princess* (aren’t we all?). For Elio’s 3rd birthday party, he was very clear in his unwavering request for a princess party. So what did I do? I threw him *the* princess party of the year 👑.

Since our return from Disney World, Elio has enjoyed wearing princess dresses. His cousins dress up in princess dresses a lot, and he has wanted to join in on the fun. Luckily we went from having zero princess dresses to inheriting four (thank you hand-me-downs and Grandma purchases)! This, of course, made it difficult For Elio to decide which dress to wear for his party, but with a costume change, he made it work.

Here’s where the gender norms of this story come in:

Upon gushing about the upcoming princess party plans to friends, coworkers, and family members and receiving some happy-yet-concerned looks and/or comments, I realized I may need to preemptively soften the news of the princess party.

This meant first sharing the theme: “Hi there! As you know, we just returned from Disney and so Elio is obsessed with princesses haha. So Elio’s party is going to be princess-themed!”

Feeling confident about the theme, Elio and I started to pick out his Elsa outfit, complete with a tiara, gloves, a wand, and a singular skinny blonde braid that attaches to the hair with a blue clip that resembles a mini yarmulke.

I send out some pics and receive some more comments:

“Do people know he’s going to be actually dressed up as a princess?”

“No, but I said the party was princess-themed.”

“I think maybe you may need to say something before they show up and see him fully dressed as a princess.”

After spending way too much money on balloons, decorations, make-your-own wand activities, princess sticker book activities, temporary princess tattoos, a giant Disney castle coloring activity, birthday banners, bubbles, candy, table center pieces, pizza, a princess ice cream cake, wine, lacroix, and a pink princess skirt for myself, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed that I was starting to worry about making other people feel comfortable just because my 3-year-old son is into princesses right now.

I send out another protective mom message the day before the party: “Btw, just want to let you know that Elio will probably wear a princess costume because he loves them haha. He’s not dressing like a girl all the time. He’s been loving dressing up as princesses for fun because he loves the colors and textures and the beauty and magic lol.”

As I clicked send, I counted the number of times I justified my son’s birthday party: about 4-5 times in 2 short messages. The “hahas” and “lols” a deliberate yet implicit way of making light out of something that isn’t even heavy. Saying “probably” when I knew he’d definitely be in a costume (and looking amazing).

I want to skip to the chase to let you know that his party was magical, fun, filled with princesses, and all guests were happy, supportive, and [seemingly] unbothered.

But I continued to get some questions even after the party:

“Just wondering, do you think this could mean anything about his gender identity?”

“When do kids start to know that they’re different?”

“When do kids know they’re trans*?”

“What if he looks back at photos and is so embarrassed and is like ‘why did you let me do that?!’”

Here’s what I know:

• Kids should enjoy their lives; they should feel free to express themselves in whatever way makes them happy so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone; and they should not be limited by adults’ societal ideals grounded in stereotypes.

• Having a princess party at age 3 will not make your son gay; it will not make your son trans*; and it will not have any lasting effects on your son’s identity other than, perhaps, having him feel loved and like his authentic self.

• Gender identity develops in stages but does not become stable until around age 4. If my son calls himself a girl a year from now, I will then start to think of it as meaningful or indicative of his identity.

• Wearing a princess dress or having a princess party does not define a child’s gender identity; it simply reflects personal expression and style. A boy wearing a dress is just as much a boy as any other boy. Gender is not determined by clothing choices or by what kind of birthday party they want, but rather by an individual's inherent sense of self.

• I wish I didn’t feel the need to justify, explain, or make others feel comfortable with my son being into princesses. Next month he could be into The Hulk.

What I’m celebrating this month:

On another note, Elio’s 3rd birthday means that it’s my 3rd birthday, too. I never thought of it this way until I had a kid of my own, but parents should be celebrated on their kids’ birthdays, too.

So I’m celebrating 3 years of being a mom, and 3 years of mindful parenting including doing my best to keep gender norms, stereotypes, and harmful masculinity from limiting my child. He is free, feels safe and loved, and does not feel self-conscious about any part of who he is.

Of course he’s only 3, and so those things that I try so hard to keep from limiting him will inevitably start to seep in eventually. But for now, he’s wild, free, and three.